nothing's gonna change my world (September 07)

i think about death a lot this time of year.

this happens for a variety of reasons. fall makes me think. this is the time of year when the world feels quiet to me. the cold creates this sort of silence that breeds wild, intangible crap in my brain. the subject of mortality comes up often in this context. but not in a morbid way. i think i feel most alive during this time. and it makes me thankful that i'm still here. and anyone who's lived in florida knows what it feels like the first day you wake up and it's cold. it smells, tastes, feels so different and so amazing. while we don't exactly have seasons in so cal, today smells like fall.

much of the loss i've experienced in my life has happened during this time as well. i'm sure that's a big part of it.

this is also when i took sally karioth's death and dying class as senior in college. recently my mom sent me the 2-week journal we had to keep in the class to document our lives and reflect on what we were learning in the class. it freaks me out to read this journal now and see how many of the core pieces of me have changed. i certainly expect to change. but i don't think i'll ever get used to how much and how fast it happens. i can't imagine being anything like that girl again. but a large part of me wishes i was. she was so sure of herself. everytime i look back and assess who i've become it feels like i lost someone i loved.

growing up is exhausting.

i've recently been thinking about the subject of loss and how most of the time we have no idea that we are seeing someone for the last time. this doesn't exclusively relate to death either. i wonder if my mom consciously realized she was seeing me as a child for the last time before i left for LA. (probably. moms are perceptive like that.) but so many times we interact with people completely unknowing that things are about to change. it's sad simply because you can't get those moments back. it's hardest when you've continued to plan your life/relationship/existence with that person and suddenly that's no longer an option. moving past this uprooting change is part of the grief process and in the instance that the person is still around it can be the opportunity to either forge a stronger relationship or lose someone entirely. it's a fork in the road. in my experience there is rarely a 3rd option.
sally taught us how this process defines the difficulty for parents learning that their child is gay. irregardless of their feelings on homosexuality, this will nearly always be a loss for the parent. simply because they had most likely planned an entirely different future for their kid. the hope is that the parent can move through the grief process quickly and redirect their plans for the same amazing kid with a different course in life. i hope for that rebirth for any parent who learns something new about their kid. life is much too short to fear change.

loss is a part of life. i need to be reminded of that sometimes to feel truly present in my life.

it's a gorgeous day here. i wish i was outside.

the end.







for the first time in a long time i don't think i wrote to please anybody but myself. it's nice.